Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
You Might Also Like
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.