We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
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The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.