It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
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According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
When you don’t understand how floors work
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Well, this explains it:
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?