Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
You Might Also Like
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Not my job 😂
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.