Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball