364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
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Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.