Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
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You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Practicing safe sax
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?