[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
My guardian angel deserves a raise
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.