If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
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If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin