PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Very good! 👍😂
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…