Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
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In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
You learn something every day
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
welp
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.