To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
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*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Dammit Chief not again
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?