British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
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Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
happy friday
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
based al yankovic
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..