*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
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[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.