Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
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Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Try and stop me.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t