*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
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My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.