A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
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[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.