Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
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Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?