[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
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6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell