*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
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No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Breaking news:
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?