can you read it!!??
maan!
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I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.