Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The Birdles
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated