just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
You Might Also Like
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Brb my Sims are getting married
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.