This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
what do you want!!!!!!!!
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull