Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
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me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific