Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
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Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Herpes is trending, good job people
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.