If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
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me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now