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me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.