“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
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There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
oh my god