I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The happy life.. 😊
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that