Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
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My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
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