Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
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Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.