a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
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Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.