I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
You Might Also Like
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
When the stylist spins you back around
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness