Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
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The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.