Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
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My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life