UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
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I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing