“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
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If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
My neck, my back, my…
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”