Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
You Might Also Like
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
The first matador
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.