Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
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There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
See..?
.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Always the camel, never the toe.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆