Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
You Might Also Like
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.