“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-