[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
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Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
No, YOUR illiterate.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Sign of the day..
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.