My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
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“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.