okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
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Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.