I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn