They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.