At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
My inexpensive home security system…
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.