So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs