I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Whoa 😂
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Sunday
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away